The announcement of Bob Carr’s forthcoming book has caused a stir in the press, due to his unguarded diary entries of his time as Australia’s Foreign Minister. Today, even more entries have been revealed exclusively to me thanks to reasons, and they provide a staggering and in no way made-up insight into the mind of Robert John Tiberius Hercules Yaweh Carr.
27 February 2012: A successful morning. I am personally responsible for a ceasefire in a troubled central African state, I’ve smoothed over diplomatic tensions in the Baltic states, and have successfully averted a ground war between the United States and Iran. Now deciding what to have for breakfast.
1 March 2012: The PM has asked if I’d like to become Foreign Minister.
19 September 2012: Started chatting to the UN about Australia gaining a seat on the Security Council. It got a little awkward: Ban Ki-moon wants me to personally hold the seat. “Ban,” I said, “I would under normal circumstances consider this generous and belated offer, but it might create a conflict of interest. Tell you what, if you give it to Australia, I promise to be here as often as I can.” Ban’s obviously disappointed, but agrees to my terms. I have more energy than sixteen gladiators.
7 January 2013: Considering creating everlasting peace between Israelis and Palestinians. Might have to wait a week, as I’m a bit tired: only have the strength of seven gladiators today. Luckily, they each have the strength or two normal gladiators, so I’m really at fourteen.
11 May 2013: Introduced a resolution to the UN calling for better resolution of Wagnerian operas on international flights. Upscaled HD at the very least. My interminable flight was long, so I translated Wagner’s Der fliegende Holländer into Flemish to pass the time. Was going to translate it into Portuguese, but I so loathe the appearance of being a populist.
26 June 2013: Bored. Have read everything in house/world. Decided to switch Prime Ministers. Instructed Julia to step down, told Kevin he could have another turn. Gazed into fireplace, sipped brandy.
30 June 2013: Had a quiet word with Kevin, during which he complained about the true power players who control Australia. He grumbled about Murdoch, Rio Tinto, the banks. Didn’t mention me by name, assume he’s just being polite. I tried to cheer him up by quoting Richard II at him. He looked at me blankly, so I tried Henry V. Still nothing. Did it in Mandarin, then cycled through all of pop culture until I hit upon an episode of Mother and Son he’d once seen. If this general ignorance continues, I’ll have to resort to communicating to people through original, clearly-understandable conversation. Perish the thought! as Thomas Morell penned in Handel’s 1748 oratorio Joshua.
3 July 2013: Considering switching Prime Ministers again. Not sure who to give it to. Would do it myself, but I’m vastly overqualified. Also, if I choose to make Australia a republic, I’d like to be free to be King. Or President. Not sure which it’ll be, still working on the constitution. Wondering if writing it Sumerian was the wisest choice. Only language I could think of that Turnbull wouldn’t be able to read.
13 July 2013: Redrew border between Palestine and Israel. For diplomatic reasons, will run it past both country’s governments before I enforce it.
28 July 2013: Complained about upgrade to first class. Managed to get another upgrade on top of that. Am now pilot.
6 August 2013: Was asked to perform a toast for the new Croatian ambassador to the UN. Had to think on my feet, so quickly performed all the best bits from the Ring Cycle. Five-and-a-half hours later, we toasted and the champagne was warm. Pathetic.
12 August 2013: Henry Kissinger offered to let me have a go on a war simulator he had the Pentagon develop in the 1970s. Very exciting. The computer interface was a bit dated, but I managed to drop bombs on some small villages. Didn’t get to finish my turn though, as some diplomats rushed in with reports of mysterious explosions across Cambodia. I tried not to make a fuss, but have written a strongly-worded letter to Mr Kissinger about Cheney’s go being five minutes longer than mine.
5 September 2013: At G20 in St Petersburg, sitting with Barack Obama, Vladmir Putin, David Cameron, Xi Jinping, Angela Merkel, et al. It is impossible to understate what an impossibly humbling experience it is for them, being here with me.
6 September 2013: Forgot about international date line and tedious election. Midway through my speech on Australia’s steadfast consistency, Labor got voted out and I was suddenly removed as Foreign Minister. In a final act of humiliation, I had to put my phone on speaker and hold it up to the mic so Julie Bishop could finish the speech. I was right in the middle of quoting pre-Socratic philosopher Heraclitus the Obscure in Ancient Greek, a quote Julie refused to complete, instead ending on some silly ABBA lyrics. I smell Christopher Pyne’s influence.
7 September 2013: Christopher Pyne’s influence turned out to be the smell of steamed whitefish. I use my last favour from Putin to have the chef deported back to Syria. No easy feat as she was born in Moscow.
8 September 2013: On the flight home, wrote a letter of sincere admiration and thanks, outlining what an honour it was to serve alongside the sharpest mind of this or any generation. Left it in my jacket pocket to discover later.
9 April 2014: Was duty-bound to inform my successor about the publication of my memoirs. Ms Bishop informed me that it could damage our relationship with foreign powers. I scoffed at this concept. “More damaging than our secret funding of Indonesian rebel militia? More damaging than when we signed a secret treaty with Russia in order to ‘hedge our bets’? More damaging than when Tony Abbott accidentally punched New Zealand Prime Minister John Key to death, and he and Joe Hockey were forced to animate his corpse during a wacky weekend at the 2013 Asia-Pacific Economic Cooperation meeting? Ms Bishop, if I’m in any way damaging to Australian national security, then our top secret nuclear missile defence network code isn’t 51-A-999-314-QB.”
“Did it in Mandarin, then cycled through all of pop culture until I hit upon an episode of Mother and Son he’d once seen.” OH DEAR GOD YOU ARE BRILLIANT