Wanted: A Prime Minister For An Adorable Country

Jane and Michael Banks

 

 

 

 

 

If you want this choice position, have a cheery disposition

Rosy cheeks, no warts, play games, all sorts

You must be kind, you must be witty, very sweet and fairly pretty

Take us on outings, give us treats, sing songs, bring sweets

Never be cross or cruel, never give us castor oil or gruel

Love us as a son and daughter, and never smell of barley water

If you won’t scold and dominate us, we will never give you cause to hate us

We won’t hide your spectacles. so you can’t see

Put toads in your bed, or pepper in your tea

Hurry, leader! Many thanks.

Sincerely,

The Australian people

Rupert Murdoch

Australia Welcomes Prime Minister Not Tony Abbott

Not Tony Abbott, pictured alongside Not Julie Bishop

Not Tony Abbott, pictured alongside Not Julie Bishop

Kevin Rudd returned to power last night on a platform of Not Being Tony Abbott.

Rudd was born Not Tony Abbott in 1957. He learned to speak fluent Mandarin Unlike Tony Abbott, and in 1981 married Not Tony Abbott’s Wife. Rising through the ranks of the Labor party, he went through a brief phase of Not Being John Howard in 2007, and Sort-Of Being Julia Gillard in 2012, before settling into his role as Not Tony Abbott in 2013.

With an election only months away, Rudd has already outlined many exciting policies, including Not Doing That Thing That Tony Abbott Would Do, Completely Avoiding All Those Other Abbotty Things, and You Know That Thing That We All Know Abbott Will Do If He Gets Elected? Yeah, We’re Totally Not Doing That.

The Australian Electoral Commission has confirmed that Labor will be entered onto ballots under the new name Not Tony Abbott’s Party.

Sincere Forms of Flattery

In September of 2010, Olivia Hambrett and Sandi Sieger asked me to take part in a short story anthology called Sincere Forms of Flattery, in which participants would pen a tale in the style of their favourite author.

I didn’t even need time to consider potential authors. I immediately chose that towering giant of the written word, Douglas Adams, a man so influential in my upbringing that I’ve tried to have him inserted into my family tree. To the outside world, he’s a writer who made jokes about computers and towels. To those who really understood his work, he illuminated the human condition more succinctly and with greater insight than most of the dramatists so often credited with.

And that presented a conundrum: I had a severe allergic reaction whenever anyone who wasn’t Douglas Adams tried to be Douglas Adams. Yet in late 2010 I found myself pledging to do the very thing that I’d criticised others for doing: attempting to ape the man. The challenge had me breaking out in cold sweats.

Then it occurred to me that I shouldn’t pretend to be him, nor should I even play in his yard. I would simply pay tribute to him. And remembering briefly that Adams was a man who once wrote an introduction to a book on the subject of what it’s like to write introductions to books, I realised what I had to do.

…except I won’t tell you what it was. Not here, anyway. To find out, you’ll have to pick up a copy when it’s released on e-reader on June 2. I’m told that if you pre-order it here, you’ll receive it at a discounted price! The anthology is edited by Olivia Hambrett & Sandi Sieger, and also features stories by Therese Raft, Olivia Hambrett, Foz Meadows, Antonia Hayes and Kailash Srinivasan paying tribute (respectively) to Ann Radcliffe, Colette, Neil Gaiman, Ian McEwan and Raymond Carver. There’s some incredible artwork (some of which can be seen at the top of this entry) by Amandine Thomas.